Count Sinface: Intergalactic ‘BangGate’ Scandal Engulfs ‘establishment’ Pedal Bin

Serpent of the Establishment, their many-headed hydra fixates on its outspoken, milkshaken opponent; our demigod Nigeules, who is questing to accomplish his Five Million Labours. An epic dual ensued, although upon savaging the head resembling the Parliamentary Standards Committee, Nigeules was confounded to see a silver pedal bin sprouting from its bloodied stump…

Since teleporting to earf during the Brexiteers: Endgame saga, Count Binface has effortlessly ingratiated himself into the upperest echelons of the British political establishment, rubbing bin lids with big wigs at shindigs and WHAM gigs. What’s more, the cyborg wind-up is supposedly notorious for his rigor and assiduous nature, thus defying his trashy complexion in decidedly sleaze-ridden Westminsterville.

Yet HBGN can exclusively reveal that whilst this upcycled motherbucket maybe be all squeaky-clean feta-dish soap round these here lightyears, far far away in his native galaxy of Sigma IX, the contending two-bit behind the disposal unit has acquired a near-Nixonesque reputation. Crooked – just like the rest of them and they’re all the same (bar Nigel).

After some excruciating liaising with the BBC, reprised Dr Who David Tennant agreed to take HeeBeeGBNouz aboard the infamous Tardis starship.

Outer space and time, abouter late lunchtime

Space/time veteran and celestial-correctness-gone-mad espouser David Tennant was making our journey to Sigma IX unnecessarily awkward. I think he despised HBGN’s ultranationalist viewpoints on everything, and my ‘I HEART PERTWEE’ baby-tee was only compounding his distain.

‘Are Daleks just edgy Lindt bunnies with paintjobs and agendas?’ I asked. David Tennant scowled but said nothing.

Sigma IX, Spaceminster, House of Timelords

We were meeting with former Oversight Chairman of the Big Bang Inquriy, who had promised a juicy scoop in relation to Binface’s conduct during the beginning of time.

‘After the Existence Referendum,’ they hummed, ‘Count Binface Equity Ltd (CBEL) was awarded a suspiciously uncontested contract for the delivery of the entire universe. 13.8 billion years later, I think we can all agree this delivery has been demonstrably iffy.’

Tennant and I looked agog-smacked, leaning in to glean more.

‘Quazillions poured into the spacious pockets of a few offshore rocketmen; CBEL’s shareholders. Reevesian black holes appeared across the books and spending cuts twatted the quality of service.’

Pluto’s dwarfed status, the abysmal water situation on Mars, a cheapskate, cheese-made moon as opposed to the solid rock one which was promised – the ills of all known life were becoming Starry Night clear, but the People of Clacton remained in the dark about the unfitness of His Litterness.

So with the universe dawdling on an on-Sea knife-edge, HeeBeeGBNouz wills Clactonians to heed our exposé and dispose of this charlatan, this pretender, this scandalous brand of underhanded landfill seeking public office to platform rubbish.

It is my hope that the gravity of these revelations deter any floating voters (hehe!). Re-elect Nigeules (and then again after the Standards Committee verdict) to restore faith and not waste into politics.

HeeBeeGBNouz Reporter, Lou Reed-Garage